i’ve been absent from everything including the internet this past month or two, so i figured i’d just pop in real quick to let you all know what’s been making the hour hand swirl on my clock lately:
i hit diabetic glucose levels about two months ago. since then, i’ve been doing cardio or strength training 5x per week including jogging 15-20 miles. usually, the only time i have to fit this in my day is around midnight, so midnight it is.
i’m baking again, low-carb this time. it’s been keeping me sane through these hectic months. i had lost a few inches on my waist from exercising (a seamstress always knows these things), but those damn brownies and my falling off the coffee wagon brought me back to fupa. whatever, they were worth it.
i have 2 real jobs and 5 other things that i’m doing for money. i’m applying for better jobs. almost every hour of my day is dedicated to making or saving a buck. i guess this isn’t much different than usual.
for example, one thing i do in my “free time” is attempt to get my insurance company to cover the $3000 worth of claims they’re denying from my glitter eye
which still hurts so much it wakes me up at night.
also waking me up is the worst case of long-term insomnia i’ve ever had. sleepytime tea doesn’t help, ambien only lasts about 4 hours, and melatonin wakes me up with dreams so boring i’m basically just annoyed for letting my unconscious mind dwell on something so asanine i.e. dreaming of waiting on a really long line at the bank.
i’m slowly selling off my belongings and packing the rest. spending a lot of time with aaron trying to figure out finances, jobs, transportation, school, living situations, whatever else for our move.
i’m preparing an outfit for my first runway show at school.
my family has doubled in size. my mom (who i haven’t talked to in months because she has been too busy color-coordinating her socks to talk to me), is unfortunately in charge of organizing the holidays, which means she is calling me crazy, stressed, and shouting every day. aaron is perplexed as to how me yelling at the top so of my lungs, “LISTEN. LISTEN. MAMI, WAIT, I KNOW, BUT… I KNOW!!! HELLO??! JUST LISTENNN!!” is actually me having a very nice conversation with my mother. “you should be nicer to your parents and tell them you love them,” he suggested, which just made me just want to shake him. like, don’t you understand?? this is us not fighting. there are no “i love you’s” in this family. what there definitely is, is patience as my mom screams for 20 minutes while i try to squeeze in a sentence. there’s understanding that she can’t come to the phone for months because she’s obsessive. there are all the little things that go along with your loyalty to a person. THAT is love. saying, “i love you” has it’s merits, but the only things that really matter are the things that actually take effort.
my oldest brother, called me the other night in a drunken stupor since he’s been dealing with mom-wrath, too. “mom’s a controlling bitch!! but sometimes i catch myself doing things that she would do. all of us- we’re all like her, whether we like it or not.” ughghghgh
p.s. i just wanted to let you guys know (and i don’t even know if i’m giving off this vibe) that i’m not cold-shouldering. i’m just very busy!