Tomorrow marks my year anniversary of arriving in San Diego. God, this year has developed in surprising ways:
1. I have a car and commute on the highway. Me! Driving! I mean, I hate car culture just as much as the next environmentally-conscious consumer, so I never thought I’d never see the day. At some point, I realized I’d have to compromise my ideals and do what was best for me.
2. I have an actual career with benefits after 13 years of working in jobs I’ve hated with shitty pay. It’s definitely not my ideal job, but I’m at least making enough where I don’t have to worry about going to school for something I’m not passionate about just to find a career in something that covers the bills (and THEN figure out what I might LIKE to do.) I can actually focus, prepare, and save for the next thing I legitimately WANT to do. I’m still hazy on what that might be, but I at least have some ideas.
3. I’m falling back into politics and grassroots activism. Back when I was a teenager, I started a Food Not Bombs chapter and organized weekly food sharings. I also participated in the beginnings of a local feminist collective, bike collective, and radical community-building collective. I fell out of activism for an entire 9 years, almost 10. (Jesus, I’ve never counted the number of years before. That’s a long time!) I suppose there were little things I did during this time, such as translate a zine on consent into Spanish and volunteer at a confidence- and skill-building camp for inner-city girls, but I still felt like I wasn’t doing enough and have felt pretty lost for a long time. I’ve had to grow and heal these past years. I’ve had to become insecure and depressed. I’ve had to question whether I was actually a good person and whether I was capable of doing absolutely anything. So, I suppose I WAS doing major things, even if all those things were just to get myself up and running. Couldn’t have done it without the support and understanding of all my friends. Thanks, everyone.
A friend once told me, “Those that fly at the front of the flock move towards the back when they get tired and let others take over.” I’ve been cruising in the back for quite some time now, and that’s not a bad thing at all, but a year of deep reflection and soul-searching has completely re-energized me to get going again. I’m currently deciding whether I want to get involved in the queer community here OR work with immigration/border/Latin American issues. This week, I attended a series of info-sessions on “free” trade agreements and participated in a 200+ people demonstration against one. More on that later.
4. I’ve recently become polyamorous in my relationship and am still trying to figure out what that means. I was always in a semi-open relationship. The “semi” part being a gender agreement- I could hook up with other girls, but not guys. I’ve realized that working on the limitations of what I can and can’t do with other people sex- and romance-wise is something I’ve had to seriously reevaluate. I’ve been in other open relationships in the past that have failed, but I think I’m much more emotionally experienced now and can handle the amounts of honesty and communication that are required in the process of opening up a relationship.
5. I’ve become vegetarian again. I’ve been vegetarian on and off since the 6th grade, going back and forth for a variety of reasons. I can’t possibly imagine going back now that my beliefs have become more cemented than ever. I think it also helped me to be away from patronizing vegetarians I’ve known (just a select few I’ve known in the past, most definitely not everybody.) They acted as if I had never before thought about what I was eating, which in turn, would cloud my thinking on my own motivations and make me angrily ambivalent about my food decisions. Another influencing factor is that I now have privileges which make vegetarianism much easier for me. Without those privileges of time to prepare food, money, and/or access to food, it would be tough for anybody to be a healthy vegetarian.
6. I still get depressed and have anxiety attacks from time to time, but I feel more capable and in control of my life than ever before. I feel I have a very specific and unique viewpoint in the world. I think EVERYBODY with a decent heart does. It’s our responsibility to take our viewpoint and become influential in a way that nobody but ourselves can be.
Look at, say, Aldous Huxley, author of A Brave New World. He saw visions of the future that scared the living daylights out of him. I’m sure there were others before Huxley who could’ve written a similar book, but gave into despair and apathy, drink or barbiturates. Huxley actually took his frightening vision and made something of it. He didn’t just write that book because he was intelligent. He wrote it because he believed he had something to bring to the table. I think everybody needs to believe this. I think everybody needs to stop distracting themselves and go out and produce. Inspire and be inspired. Discuss and bring forth.
